CLEAR
CLEARING SPACE TO CLARIFY PLACE
Clarity of Mind. Clarity of Heart. Clear pathways in my body for the free movement of Qi and Prana. Energy moving freely. This is what I’ve been looking for. For longer than I’d like to admit. Things have been uncertain in my life on pretty much every front.
I’ve made a number of attempts to clear the air. To Marie Kondo my little office room. To clean out my storage spaces; YES..spaces. To claim a more pastel and white space existence. I must admit, even toning down the bright lights and colors of my clothing has definitely found me calmer. But I’m a fiery, over-thinking, bright eyed and bushy tailed kind of girl.
I’m digging the pastels, but I’m still drawn to the deeper shades and bustling. AND LET ME BE CLEAR, being outwardly pastel and white space doesn’t mean you can’t also be inwardly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
While I long to become The Minimalist. I AM NOT MINIMAL. I’m an “unfinished animal.” Brimming and vibrant. Wild, full of quiet, and totally weird. The chaos is a bit of a comfort. To be sure, it is also quite chaotic. Imagine that. And so is my head. I have too many ideas and I ENJOY SO———O MANY THINGS. People in my life like to roll their eyes at this.
My head and my heart go in many directions. Vast and spacious. Or maybe a bit too VATA?! No matter. I sleep well enough. My digestion is much better this last decade, and certainly in the last year. And I’m not a hormonal bitch to any one person. I’m generally pretty happy. And even when the shit hits the proverbial fan, I can usually find a way to laugh about it. To lighten the mood. To level the playing field between Life and Myself.
YEAH SURE, I can still be brimming and bright and HAVE LESS, DO LESS.
I can certainly create a less cluttered, chaotic and CLEAR SPACE kind of life. But I wouldn’t be me. I’d be Marie. Cute AF, easy on the palate and probably making a lot more money.
Instead, I’m ruddy skinned and finally don’t mind it. I’m still cute, I think. Someone thinks I’m “hot AF,” so there’s that. I’m no where near easy on the palate. And MY PALETTE is one part chaos and two parts bright colo(u)r.
I live a million miles away from THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS that I became an adult with. Familiar is now foreign. MY THINGS FEEL FAMILIAR. I shall keep them. All of them. I’ve been adulting in different countries now for the past fifteen years. Neither American, nor not. The Original Texican, though you wouldn’t know it on Instagram. I’m forty and still Frisky. Faulty. Frank AF. Give me more mess. LET ME ORGANIZE AND REORGANIZE AND ADD MORE AND TAKE AWAY AS NEEDED, whenever and however the fuck I want. It keeps my head straight, IF NOT CLEAR.
I suppose this begs the question: HOW DOES A GIRL LIKE ME GET CLEAR?
SHE STOPS, DROPS & LISTENS. I have a hard time on the best of days Getting Quiet. I sit at Frustration Station when in comes to Silent Meditation. I can be quiet (you wouldn’t think it if you’ve done a class with me or on first meeting me) but I HAVE A HARD TIME BEING STILL. My meditation must be moving. I’m far too feminine in my approaches. Slow, to be sure, but moving. I go to my little office room and I sit at my little office desk with my little office fan and I STOP MOVING FROM POINT A TO POINT B. I finally have a schedule that finishes, most days, well enough before 5pm. This gives me ample time for a glass of wine, watercoloring and wisping away the day. I take the House Dogs out, I do laundry, I wrap lavender and Palo Santo with twine and I listen to my Crystals. I ORGANIZE AND RE-ORGANIZE MY LITTLE SPACES. Its a new relationship. With myself. I STOP DOING TOO MUCH. I stop traveling to and fro.
I STOPPED carrying my computer everywhere too. I DROPPED the need to continually make changes and add content and make new things in Photoshop and DO. I DROPPED THE NEED TO DO. To convince you. To get you to like me. To get you to listen to what I figured you wanted me to say. I STOPPED. I DROPPED.
I ASKED QUESTIONS. AND THEN I LISTENED.
Like most things, it was quiet at first. I followed the cacophony of quiet and before my eyes, and in the CANVAS OF QUIET I could see, and all of a sudden hear..ME. Coming away from the need to please you and moving toward just being a little bit more me. Cloudy and uncertain became ok. I became OK TO ME. Full. Open. Getting Stronger. And that’s when things started to become MORE CLEAR. The clutter in my head became more manageable and I started to figure out where I WANTED TO GO AND HOW I WANTED TO GET THERE.
It doesn’t mean that everything in my life is CLEAR.
Let me be clear, I don’t think it works that way. But what I do believe is this: when one thing becomes more clear, there becomes a space inside that offers us the opportunity for MORE CLARITY; our cells sing and want for more.
I use Yoga and movement to create spaciousness inside of my body. Qi moves. Things more freely come and go. I GET SPACIOUS AND, BY GRACE WHAT FOLLOWS..I GET CLEAR (excuse my poor grammar everyone). My physical space might be cluttered, but I’m told its the space of creativity; the space of genius. I need and want color and things and if you ask anyone that’s been to a home or space I’ve had my little hands on..EVERYTHING I HAVE SPARKS JOY.
Every yoga, healing or creative endeavor I’ve involved myself with SPARKS JOY. Every book. Every spool of wool. Every crystal I’ve collected. Every piece of furniture waiting for the space I’m meant to have SPARKS JOY. Every Sound Healing Instrument or Tool SPARKS JOY. Every piece of paper I should throw away SPARKS JOY because its fever to the form of a Yoga Teacher Training Manual in the making. 2003 to NOW, files and files and books and things that SPARK JOY IN OTHERS sparks joy in me.